What Would Magnum P.I. Do?
Two distorted shapes were visible through the tinted windows. I moved off to the side and found a huge stick. Ducking beneath the windows, I held the stick over my head then reached for the door handle. The door was heavy, but the adrenaline pumping through my plump form gave me superhuman strength.
As I flung the door back I closed my eyes and shouted, “Get outta here varmint or I’ll string you up by your lily-livered hide!”
“What the fuck!”
I jumped and dropped my stick as I beheld the naked backside of the car’s owner. My mouth hung open and if I swallowed a few flies, I wouldn’t be surprised. I looked from him to the equally bare front of his partner in crime. Her wide eyes held a mixture of shock and mortification while his face was red from exertion and fury.
“Get the hell out of here, you stupid blob!” he roared at me.
I knew I should have listened, shut the door and run away, but I was in shock. I stood there with my fly-catcher open for business while my mind wrestled with what I beheld.
The Jackass was busy trying to pull up his pants and muttering something about blue balls. I discreetly looked through the interior of the car, afraid he was going to throw one of those blue balls at me, but there wasn’t a ball to be found, blue or otherwise.
“What the hell is the matter with you, Bad Year Blimp? Are you as stupid as you are ugly?”
The naturally blonde girl pulled her shirt over her head and chastised him. “Leave her alone, she’s just a kid.”
“She Shamu’s pervert cousin,” he shot back.
They continued to bicker until he managed to zip his jeans then the half dressed and completely livid jackass grabbed my arm and dragged me behind the house.
“Now listen here. You better not tell anyone what you saw.”
“Why?” I still didn’t understand what I had witnessed.
“Because Lizzy’s boyfriend will have my nuts in a vice. Just keep your mouth shut or I’ll make sure everyone knows what a pervert you are.”
My voice had returned but my brain was still on vacation. “What were you doing to her?”
“Son of a bitch!” He swiped at his bare upper lip. “You really are an idiot, aren’t you?”
He may have phrased it as a question, but it really wasn’t. The defiant part of my brain kicked in at his insult, even while my better judgment was still out to pasture.
“I am not! I’m on the high honor roll and I have more Girl Scout badges than anyone else in the troop!”
He shook his head. “You know something? You are pathetic. You’re fat, ugly and a geek. I can promise you, you’ll never find out what Lizzy and I were doing.” He smirked at me. “At least not firsthand.”
The rest of the evening was a blur. The Jackass stalked back to the car then took off, gravel flying in his wake. T.V. tag had long since been abandoned for regular T.V. and I declined Justine’s invitation to sleep over. My mom came to pick me up and if she noticed I was upset, she didn’t say anything.
I never told anyone about the incident with the bouncing Camaro, although I did look up both pervert and pathetic in the dictionary. Maybe it was who the insult was coming from, but both stayed with me long after corroded.